You strike up a conversation with a girl in your third period. She’s cute — picture the lovechild of Angelina Jolie and Tinker Bell — and you two develop a friendly relationship. She has a lot going on in her life, and upon your inquiries, she shares her issues. Now, I know this may be crazy, but take another moment. Imagine that she doesn’t feel obligated to go out on a date with you, simply because you offered an inkling of human compassion towards her.

I know. It’s ludicrous. Why would you ever offer up your emotional services — rivaling those of our beloved Oprah — to a girl who wouldn’t be romanced by you in exchange? (Obviously, men should only discuss emotions in two instances: when a major sports-related catastrophe occurs, or on the rare occasion that a female does not flock to them, and they must in turn find a suitable mate.)

Now don’t get your Meninist sweatshirt in a twist. I get it; it can be hard for self-titled “nice guys.” You just don’t get the respect you deserve, do you?

Let’s get something straight here: if you’ve ever thought, spoken, or even hinted at the sentence, “but I’m a nice guy,” chances are, you probably are not. In fact, you may fall solely into the category of guys that victimize themselves by complaining about the individuals that have “friend-zoned” them through various meme-related outlets.

Of course, this is not how you see this scenario playing out. To you, it’s more like the following:

She sinks her venomous talons into you, chaining you to her desk chair like some sort of “Pulp Fiction” nightmare. Your eyelids are pinned open, a funnel inserted into your ear, and suddenly you’re Alex and she’s Dr. Brodsky, subjecting you to all of the terrors of her tumultuous life.

What can you do, but sit there and listen? After endless occurrences of this same instance, you ask for but one measly favor: a date. She snarls in your face, spittle and rage flying from her gaping maw as she rips every shred of dignity from you. You limp home, wounded. but you can’t help it — you’re just “too nice,” and the cycle perpetuates itself.

“I should stop being nice—when I get nothing in retuuuuuuuurn!” You howl at the coldly unforgiving moon.

Let me tell you something. We owe you nothing. Mutual friendship, yes. A person to listen to your feelings, of course. But a romantic relationship does not stem from the guilt a person pushes on to another person simply because they were “always there.” This goes both ways, for both genders, and for any type of couple.

Friendship is a two-way street. But when one person is driving along Rodeo and another is driving along Mulholland, things will get muddled. Someone will get upset. There will be that strained discussion over text, messages being passed through friends and friends of friends.

Think about the phrase “nice guys finish last” for a second. Granted, “nice guy” has garnered its own negative connotation. But from a purist sense, the phrase is advocating for the opposite of nice. So … rudeness? Boorishness? Pigheadedness? Because this is what it seems like to the girl to whom you sent those slightly aggressive and chauvinistic texts after she declined your offer to Netflix and … well, you get the point.

Nice guys don’t finish last. Entitled, self-absorbed guys finish last. In fact, they never really finish at all. They’re constantly stuck in the past, posting on various social media platforms and complaining about the girl that “they give all their time to.” Honestly, in a world dominated by the male persona, can’t you just accept the fact that this one person — whether it be male or female — does not want to bask in your presence?

Please. The eternal race of the “nice guy”?

At this point you’re trying to finish last.