Stop looking over at Sally’s garden – the one that seems full of fresh flowers and butterflies – and start paying attention to your own. The one you’ve ignored. The one with overgrown weeds, dried-out plants and messy areas you pretend not to see. The truth is, the more time you spend watching someone else’s garden, the more time you take away from caring for your own. 

I’m sure we are all very aware of FOMO, or the anxiety that comes when something exciting is happening without you. High school pushes many to believe that every event, every invite and every moment skipped is life-altering and something you’ll regret missing.

Ask yourself: is this something that’ll give me lifelong meaning and purpose? If the answer is yes, maybe you truly are missing out on something that matters. But if it’s not, then you’re not missing out at all. Oftentimes, choosing to “miss out” is choosing to rest, the healthier and much kinder option. 

Comparison is the thief of joy, and it’s something almost everyone struggles with, even if no one wants to admit it. Comparison exists everywhere: grades, sports, looks or friend groups. Life becomes a scoreboard that no one agrees to play on, yet somehow everyone is competing for first place.

When you measure your life to someone else’s, it pulls energy away from your own growth. The question becomes: What do you think they have that you can’t give yourself? 

Every element of a garden is a lesson. Someone else’s flowers doesn’t mean your soil is bad, and their growth doesn’t mean yours is behind. 

Why does comparison hit so hard? 

Comparison is especially difficult for high schoolers, because this stage of life is full of experimenting. 

“It’s just a time of trying different everything—personalities and what you wear and the way you act,” Hernandez said. “It’s just, I feel like, a very normal part of growing up.” 

Friendships and relationships are some of the biggest comparison triggers. 

“If a student says, ‘I have no friends’ or ‘I have friends, but they’re not real friends’ you have to be very careful of what you are comparing yourself to because you don’t know what they’re going through,” Hernandez said.

Students only really see the surface. “You could be looking up to a person because they have X, Y, and Z that you want but they’re actually going down a not good path.” Hernandez said. “You don’t know that, because you just see the surface, the outside.”

This is why the garden metaphor matters. You never know what’s happening beneath someone else’s soil, let alone what their roots are absorbing.

Harmful comparison signs

The first signs of a wilted garden are negative thoughts. “Paying attention to the thoughts and things that you’re telling yourself first is the most important,” Hernandez said. 

Then the emotions build, and the behaviors start to shift: skipping meals, losing sleep and self-isolation. Hernandez explained the difference between choosing alone time and falling into it.

“It’s not just like, ‘Oh my God, I get to watch my favorite movie,’” she said. “There’s a sadness that goes along with it.”

That sadness is the sign that your garden needs attention. 

Toxic comparison vs. healthy motivation

We know how nice Sally’s garden is. It’s easy to look over and want your garden to be exactly like hers. There’s a good kind of comparison, the kind that inspires. Healthy motivation feels like, “‘Oh my gosh, that’s so awesome. I want to try it,’” Hernandez said. 

Toxic comparison feels like, “‘I saw that, and I wish I had this.’” 

Sometimes it turns into jealousy or admiration, recognizing the difference between them is part of tending to your garden. Let Sally’s flowers inspire your young blossoms to start blossoming. 

Starting your own tending

Get up, water your garden, and pick those weeds: thoughts, habits, and routines that make you feel worse instead of better.

Katka Chute, an Oak Park gardener and mother who cares for a full garden in her own backyard, described how simple yet steady growth is.

But things still go wrong.

“Not enough water, too much water, not enough sun, too much sun, animals or insects eating your plants.”  

Her biggest message was patience. 

“You will not be able to change all things at once. You will need a realistic plan,” Chute said.

She also shared a truth that belongs in every garden: “Just like with everything in life, you have to believe that if you put time and effort into anything it will eventually thrive. It takes 2 years on average to see plants mature,” Chute said. 

We often expect instant growth, but real gardeners know better. Growth can’t be rushed. 

The quiet, unseen tending

Caring for your own garden happens quietly. It can look like choosing solitude, not out of isolation but as a healthy way to reset and focus on what you really want. Quiet care isn’t glamorous or postable, but it’s where most real growth happens. You can’t bloom if you’re constantly checking how everyone else is doing. One of the most effective resets is stepping back from your phone. 

“[Be] mindful of how much you are on your phone because that does have a great deal of comparison and it does affect your mood,” Hernandez said. 

She recommends returning to old hobbies, spending time with family, and taking yourself on “little dates.” Before any deep work, she reminds students to check the basics first: “Sleeping, eating, hydrating and being active.”