Relax. Let down your hair. Loosen your tie.

This is the story of me, Peter Keating, student by day and well-rounded Samaritan by afternoon. Tape your socks to your ankles so they aren’t knocked off. Things are about to get hectic.

Uproarious applause sounds from the crowd of adoring football fans. Row by row, students and parents alike are brought together in harmony over their shared love of the star quarterback — me. Come to any of my games and watch me honor the great American tradition. I’ve scored many a time — on and off the field —throughout my four years here at Affluent Suburb High School

And by “off the field,”  I mean that I score excellent grades in all of my academic studies and on my standardized tests.

Let me impress you with a poem I wrote while I was in Rome:

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet,

consectetur adipiscing elit.

Vestibulum mattis venenatis

dignissim.

If you can’t read Latin, just know that it roughly translates into a perfect sonnet commemorating the rebirth of nature with the coming of spring.

I’m part Cherokee.

You don’t need to hear all about how I will graduate as summa cum laude or how I am the national chess-while-driving champion for the second year in a row. That would be boasting.

Look closer at my application and you can make out the fire and ambition of a million stars, representative of all the “awesome” stickers I have received on my assignments. And you’ll wish upon each of these stars that I’ll consider your college as a segment on the path to the history I will pave.

Did I mention that I’m part Cherokee?

In my spare time I donate my presence to the needy and underprivileged. It feels good to help; in the past, I too used to be a lesser being. I was still an excellent person back then, but there was just no need for me to become the breadwinner until my mother and father developed breast cancer.

I don’t want you guys to think that I use my parents’ cancer as a method to make me appear more attractive to colleges. That’s why I studied and developed a new experimental procedure to cure my parents of their diseases.

Your conscience knows what the clear decision is. All that’s left is to make the logical choice*.

*Me