[Enter BERNIE, HILLARY and the other prospective Democrats.]

HILLARY: So incredibly glad you guys could make it to the Clintons’ 2015 Thanksgiving! I sent the e-vites through my private server ([email protected]), and I know you guys will LOVE Bill’s Tofurkey…his spice rub is simply scandalous! You must try my vegan cupcakes!

BERNIE [gesticulating wildly]: We’re sick and tired of hearing about your vegan cupcakes!

O’MALLEY: Very true, Bernie. [aside to BERNIE] Where was I governor again? O’Malleyland?

[The CLINTONS’ doorbell rings.]

HILLARY [with a fake smile to BILL]: Bill, that apron has a hideous stain, grab my H-Rod Yankees jersey to put over it. And will you get the door for the in-laws, please?

[BILL opens the door. ENTER a massive field of GOP CANDIDATES.]

TRUMP: How much is this house, Hil? Hey Billy, that fence in the backyard? A little small. A little small. I gotta say I got some plans on how to make it bigger.

CARSON: I separated conjoined twins at the head. Did I mention I’m a neurosurgeon? Trump is against vaccinations, but let me tell you, after a long time in the medical community, I have concluded that we don’t really need them.

TED CRUZ: I look like someone just shot my puppy. All the time.

JEB: Jeb! Jeb! Just trying to stay relevant over here, guys.

FIORINA: Can anyone else here make the claim that they look EXACTLY like an eagle, the proudest symbol of our country? That’s right, I didn’t think so.

[All place their dishes on the table next to BERNIE’s expired pumpkin pie: TRUMP’s purist turkey, a pair of forceps and green bean casserole from CARSON and an unidentifiable dish courtesy of RUBIO and CRUZ.]

HILLARY [nods to BILL]: Bill, do you want to sit at the adulter — I mean, adults’ table? Seat the nobodies, please.

[BOBBY JINDAL, CHRIS CHRISTIE, JOHN KASICH, MARTIN O’MALLEY and MIKE HUCKABEE take seats at the kids’ table at HILLARY’s request.]

BERNIE [gesticulating wildly]: Ya know what’s underrepresented in this country? YAMS. All you hear about are sweet potatoes, sweet potatoes. They’re not the same. Makes no sense.

TRUMP: I disagree, Bradley. Barney? As long as we keep letting in these foreign potatoes, the days of a traditional American Thanksgiving are gone. Forever.

RUBIO [holding football]: Wow, Donald. Very true, very true.

[MARCO RUBIO launches the football into an unsuspecting boy’s face.]

CARSON [examining the young boy’s face]: Oh, I’ve seen this before. Broken femur. The only way to prevent this is more gun ownership. [sighs] We all need them, guys.

JEB [rushing over]: I can fix it, guys!

SCOTT WALKER: Speaking of football, we should head out, guys.

[BOBBY JINDAL, RICK PERRY, LINCOLN CHAFEE, SCOTT WALKER and JIM WEBB leave early to watch the Lions get crushed.]

HILLARY [noting the argument between BERNIE and TRUMP]: Please, let’s save the politics for another night, folks. We should appreciate the Tofurkey prepared for us here. Although, in the spirit of competition, I think Carly and I should battle for the wishbone.

[FIORINA and HILLARY fight over the wishbone.]

BERNIE [gesticulating wildly]: GIRLS, GIRLS. You’re both gorgeous. But how can we split the wishbone unevenly in good conscience if there’s so much economic inequality in the country?

FIORINA: He’s right, Hillary. Maybe we should focus on the larger things instead of our petty arguments.

HILLARY: Carly, that’s too rational. Bipartisanship can only work at Thanksgiving time, you know that.

Finis.