Dear Ben,

I am writing this letter to you, stamping it and addressing it to your house. It might seem archaic, inefficient and altogether absurd, but then again, so are your political views. Let’s just explore the past few months for you, Benny, before we make any final decisions on the best comment out of a year chock-full of bigotry, blatant racism and outlandish statements.

Here’s one of your best comments. It’s about transgender bathrooms: “I’m not sure anybody should have extra rights … when it comes to redefining everything for everybody else and imposing your view on everybody else.”

See, this is one of your more intricate statements. It’s truly best when you combine it with another one of your recent miscues:

“I would not advocate that we put a Muslim in charge of this nation. I absolutely would not agree with that.”

Well, that’s interesting. What happened to the imposition of views on everyone else? Or is that just selectively applied, like your view on political correctness? You liken the Obama administration’s “restriction” on speech to the Gestapo age, and what do you advocate? Restriction of speech. Typical, hypocritical Ben.

“The Department of Education should monitor our institutions of higher education for extreme political bias and deny federal funding if it exists.”

Right, quashing views, especially ones you don’t agree with. That doesn’t harken back to the days of yore, where people were oppressed by far more dangerous squads than the P.C. police (are they aided by unfettered guns, too?)

Honestly, in the end, I’m not entirely sure these are miscues or faults of your own. Or even miscues at all! This practice appears to work, and hey, you know, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. That seems like a mantra right up your alley. Except maybe, for you, it should be reworded as, “if it ain’t broke, think of how to possibly make it worse and do that exact thing.”

In all seriousness, I envy your support, since there are people who clearly advocate a man who thinks that kindergarten teachers should brandish machine guns. Or you know, keep them locked away in a closet where they will be of absolutely no use whatsoever. That too.

To get anyone to support that notion takes a special kind of charisma, so hats off to you, Ben. Let me admit, you have some redeemable characteristics. Notably, working as an outsider—difficult, and you’ve managed admirably. You’ve threatened to leave the GOP (along with Trump) amidst backdoor party politics. And you’ve performed some pretty great surgeries (perfect for the operating tables throughout the White House). Whether these characteristics will assist you in the long run remains to be seen, but I mean, you can always operate on some babies instead of kissing them.

Still, you have taken center stage along with a burgeoning screenwriter’s idea of an evil billionaire, an eternally sad Senator and a full cast of Jokers to rival Heath Ledger’s portrayal.

I think I might steal this material for a farce of my own.

Truly yours,

Joe Calce